Selfie image of Emma looking super happy and confident on her walk, with some rolling hills visible in the background

What If You Didn’t Need To Work On Your Confidence?

I can’t count the number of times people have told me “you should be more confident”. It wasn’t helpful – it just made me more self-conscious about how they were perceiving me. 

But I’ve also had loads of people tell me they think I’m really confident person when inside I’m feeling really uncertain about what I’m doing. 

So am I confident or not? 

One of the dictionary definitions I found for a confident person is someone who “feels sure about their own abilities, qualities, or ideas.”

Do I feel sure about my own abilities? 

For me, this answer is yes, sometimes. But sometimes I don’t.

  • Sometimes I’m trying to do new things that I’ve never done before, and there are elements of uncertainty. In these situations, I think recognising that I’m unsure is a good thing. It means I’m open to learning and discovering new ways of doing things. 
  • Sometimes I’m doing something I really care about and have invested a lot of effort in. I want things to go “right”, and it feels like even the smallest mistake will have a negative implication – the little issues get blown out of proportion, and my belief in the outcome takes a dive. 
  • And sometimes I feel scared and insecure and my confidence completely disappears around everything. The self-doubt takes over, I get anxious, overthink things, make mistakes and I need to hide. 

And then things settle, the low state of mind shifts and everything looks better.

The thing is, all of these things are natural, human experiences. We can’t expect to be confident all the time, and it makes me wonder if working on your confidence really helps. 

I’ve noticed my confidence in myself increase significantly over the last few years, but I’ve done less to work on it than at any other time in my life. 

The thing that’s made the difference has come from becoming more aware of my resilience. 

  • Once I started to realise that in each moment I am always ok, I became much better at dealing with uncertainty. 
  • As soon as I realised that I have the ability to bounce back from anything that happens, it removed the pressure to get things right. 
  • And once I started to notice that when I felt fearful and insecure, it was because I was focusing on scary, imaginary futures, I found it easier to focus just on what’s happening in the moment, and suddenly the rest of the thinking starts to settle.  

From this sense of resilience, a different type of confidence has emerged. It’s a deeper sense of knowing I can cope with anything when I take it one small step at a time. 

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And this isn’t unique to me, it’s there for you too. It’s there for us all. 

In each moment you are ok. 

It’s a simple concept, but it has real depths in its implications. 

You don’t need to work on your confidence, you just need to realise that you are always ok. 

Sit with this idea this week and just notice what it means for you in different scenarios. Don’t put pressure on, just get curious. 

Ask yourself “am I ok right now?” and see what comes through. 

If anything comes up that you’d like to discuss or explore, come and join the discussion and share your experiences in my free Authentic Visibility for Women In Tech Facebook group.

These ideas around confidence and resilience underpin my coaching and my mentorship programme, so if you’d like to go deeper and explore how they could impact your life, please contact me or book a chat and let’s talk about how I can help.

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